First Class Chaos

My name is Judy, I'm forty-two, and I've been a flight attendant for nineteen years. I can handle a drunk guy in row twelve, a turd in the aisle bathroom, and a thunderstorm over Denver without breaking a sweat. So a music festival in the Nevada desert should have been nothing.

It was not nothing. Because Mimi was there.

I saw her across the crowd before I saw anything else. She was thirty-nine, in a gold crop top, standing on a folding chair with her arms up like she was being beamed into a spaceship. And she was smirking. At me. From two hundred feet away she was smirking at me, and I swear I could hear it.

Some background. Mimi has been my work rival for eight years. Eight. Every route I bid on, she bids on. Every layover, she's there with better shoes. Last month in Chicago she told a whole crew that I was "basically retired energy." Retired energy. I have never wanted to win anything so bad in my life.

And here was the real problem. I had told Mimi, in a weak moment at a crew party, that I had a plan for this festival. That I was going to hook up with somebody and it was going to be spectacular. She laughed and said "sure, Judy." So now she knew I needed a win.

Did I have somebody in mind? Well. Yes.

His name was Elijah, he was forty-five, he was a software developer, and he lived next door to me. Three years next door. He was tall, he had good arms, and he could grill a steak without burning it, which is my whole love language. Two years ago at a block party we flirted hard over his smoker and then his smoke alarm went off inside and he ran in and that was the end of that. I'd thought about it maybe four hundred times since.

So I went hunting. I found him at the beer tent, holding two cups and talking to a guy about solar panels. Solar panels. Even that was kind of cute on him.

"Elijah," I yelled, and he turned, and he smiled, and I thought, oh good, it still works.

"Judy. You made it. I was hoping I'd run into you, this place is huge."

"Come with me," I said. "Right now. No questions."

He looked at my face and shrugged. "Okay, but I'm keeping these beers."

Good. Man comes prepared.

I dragged him past the vendor tents, past a guy juggling fire, all the way to the Ferris wheel, which sat on a hill away from the main stages. Why the Ferris wheel? Two reasons. One, it's a classic and I am a classic kind of woman. Two, it was out of sight of the main crowd, and Mimi's line of sight in particular. If she was going to witness my victory, it was going to be at a time of my choosing.

"Two?" said the ride guy.

"Two," I said, and we climbed into the little bucket and it rocked and Elijah grabbed the bar and laughed.

"You're very bossy today," he said. "I like it, but I'm a little scared."

"You should be a little scared," I said. "But not of me. Well. Maybe of me."

The wheel went up. The whole festival spread out under us, all those lights and stages, and the desert beyond it, black and flat forever. It was honestly beautiful. I barely looked at it. I was looking at him.

"Elijah, can I kiss you?"

He blinked. "You're asking?"

"I'm asking."

"Yes. Obviously yes. I've been waiting two years for you to ask, honestly."

So I kissed him. And it was good. He kissed back slow and easy, one hand coming up to my jaw, and the bucket swung a little and I didn't care. I pulled back before I got carried away, because I had a speech.

"Okay, listen," I whispered. "My work rival is here. Mimi? She's awful. She thinks I can't land a man at a festival. So tonight, you and me are going to show her what real fun looks like."

He laughed so hard the bucket shook. "I'm a weapon in a workplace feud?"

"You're the weapon. The best weapon. Will you do it?"

"Judy," he said, and he tucked my hair behind my ear, which, rude, that was very effective, "I've wanted to kiss you since the block party. You don't need a rival for me to say yes. But I'll happily be your trophy."

The wheel came down and we got off and I was floating about a foot above the ground. We got more beers and walked back toward the VIP lot where my pop-up camper was parked. Home base. I'd stocked it with wine, snacks, and a very optimistic amount of condoms, because a woman plans.

That's when I heard her.

"Well, well, well."

Mimi. Gold crop top, standing in front of my camper like she owned the deed. And behind her was a young guy, maybe twenty-four, cute, in a Hawaiian shirt, carrying a cooler like a pack mule.

"Mimi," I said. "How did you even find my camper?"

"Your stories are long and detailed, Judy. You told everyone about your little VIP camper. Also I checked the lot map. Hi, who's this?" She looked Elijah up and down like she was appraising a car.

"This is Elijah," I said, stepping slightly in front of him, which was pointless and we both knew it.

"He's cute. Hi Elijah, I'm Mimi. This is Mark, he's my date, he tends bar, don't be shy honey."

"Hey," said Mark. "This is my first festival. It's huge."

"It is huge," Mimi agreed, in a tone that was not about the festival.

"So what do you want, Mimi?" I asked.

She smiled that smile. The eight-year smile. "I saw you two on the Ferris wheel. Very romantic. And it got me thinking. We keep competing, you and me, and where does it end? So here's my idea. Four of us. One camper. One night. Everybody has fun, nobody wins, or everybody wins, depending how you look at it."

I will admit my brain shorted out for a second. Four of us. One camper. My camper is not big. But also my competitive brain was doing math, because if I said no, Mimi would tell the whole crew in Chicago that Judy chickened out, and if I said yes...

Elijah leaned down to my ear. "Is this normal between you two?" he whispered. "This is the weirdest workplace thing I've ever heard of."

"It is not normal," I whispered back. "But is that a no?"

He looked at Mimi, at Mark, at my camper, and then at me, and he shrugged with his whole body. "Honestly? I'm in if you're in. It's your camper. Your call."

Mimi raised one eyebrow at me. Mark raised both eyebrows, because he didn't know what was happening but wanted to be included.

My camper. My call. My win.

"Fine," I said. "But my rules. My camper, my rules, and everybody asks before anything happens. Got it?"

Mimi clapped her hands. "Oh, she's a little general. Fine, fine. Camp rules. Mark, honey, grab the cooler."

And that is how the chaos started.

* * *

We crammed into the camper and Mimi produced a bottle of cheap whiskey from her cooler, because of course she did.

"Whiskey poker," she announced. "Loser strips. Everybody in?"

"It's my camper," I said. "So yes, but I'm dealing."

Elijah sat on the bench with his knees practically at his chin. "This vehicle was not designed for four adults."

"Nothing tonight was designed for four adults," Mimi said, and drained her cup.

So we played. And I lost. A lot. I don't know how, I've played poker with pilots for nineteen years, but the whiskey went straight to my hands and my shirt came off, then my shorts, then Mimi's gold crop top came off and I got to see what I'd been imagining for eight years, which was honestly annoying because she looked great. Mark lost his Hawaiian shirt in the first hand and stayed shirtless the rest of the night like a proud little lobster. Elijah lost slowly, one piece at a time, and I watched every piece go.

Then Mimi lost her last hand, stood up, and shimmied out of everything with the smugness of a woman who plans these things.

"Okay," she said. "I'm out of clothes. New rule. Winner of the next hand gives the winner of the hand after that one dare. Anything. Within camp rules."

"That's not poker," Elijah said.

"It's better than poker," Mimi said.

I won. Then Mimi won. She looked at me over her cup and grinned.

"Dare," she said. "Judy. Touch Elijah. Anywhere you want. Slowly."

"Oh, you're so generous," I said. "Such a sacrifice you've given me."

"Hey," Elijah said, holding up his hands. "I'd like to formally state I consent to this dare. Enthusiastically."

So I did it. I reached over and put my hand on his chest, then lower, then over the front of his boxers, and he was already hard, which made me feel like I'd won the lottery twice in one night. He exhaled through